September

September 21, 2020: Celebrating the birthday of my friend, Debbie.

The horse was my gift to her, named "Buttercup."

On the first day of September, I celebrated my sixty-sixth birthday. True, sixty-six isn't quite as thrilling as turning sixty-five had been. After all, last year's birthday meant eligibility for Medicare and the end of paying $925 out of my own pocket each month for medical insurance. Still, it was good to begin another year feeling well, starting my third year of retirement and being healthier than I'd ever dreamed I'd be at this age! And the best part was how so many more good things happened throughout my birth month.

September 1, 2020: Debbie and me at lunch on my actual birthday.

Because of work schedules in our family, we didn't have our big party until three days after my actual birthdate, the following Friday, but I was still able to mark my big day, thanks to going out to lunch with my friend, Debbie. We first met thirty years ago, when I started teaching at Blue Ridge High School, where she was an instructional assistant in the special education department. Eventually, she became a high school teacher herself and accepted a position in Mesa. She retired two years before I did, and she still drives up each year to spend her summers here in the pines, in her summer home.

September 1, 2020: My annual birthday selfie for age sixty-six.

I started the day of September 1st with my annual "old lady selfie," a tradition I started on my sixtieth birthday. However scary I may look today, I remind myself, I'll still look younger now than I will next year! Then Debbie came by to pick me up. She brought me more of her beautifully handcrafted seamstress work, including a plush handmade wallet with a matching face mask (being the year of covid-19 and all). We had a great lunch at Darbi's Café, where I enjoyed a yummy steak salad out on the deck and we felt the mist of a summer squall as it briefly passed through.

September 1, 2020: Fun cards and gifts to start off my birthday month!

It also rained flowers on my birthday, or so it seemed. I came home from lunch to find a beautiful bouquet of blue roses and yellow daisies with a stuffed toy mallard from my son Jacob, and soon after that my daughter Sarah came by with a lovely bouquet of pastel daisies and a sweet note. Later that evening, my good friend Wyndie stopped over with a gorgeous bouquet of carnations and hydrangea, plus two sugar-free candy bars and a fun lightsaber birthday card (she knows my heart!).

September 1, 2020: It was raining flowers on my birthday!

On Friday, we waited to start my party until almost 7:00 so Chris could be there, since he worked until 6:00 that evening. We enjoyed grilled steaks and burgers for dinner, plus potato salad. The best part was that my brother Darryl and his wife Tamera showed up while we were still preparing the meal and were able to join us for dinner. That's a big deal, because they'd driven all the way from their home in Missouri to spend a few days with us and to see our dad for his eighty-sixth birthday, which happened to be the same day as my party, September 4th.

Darryl is the youngest of us five Butler siblings, now age fifty-seven. Exactly one year ago, we weren't sure if we would ever get to see him again after he'd had a series of heart attacks (he thought they were panic attacks, since all he'd experienced was shortness of breath) and was told there was nothing to be done except prepare for the worst, while he wore a defibrillator vest around the clock.

My brother Darryl and his sweet wife, Tamera, came to town!

September 5, 2020

Fortunately, one of the top cardiac surgeons in the country agreed to review his case. He determined that there was one area that could be improved through open-heart surgery--the type where they saw open your breast bone and spread your ribs apart--that might improve his heart function and life expectancy. Thankfully, the surgery was a success. He improved so much that they were able to do a second procedure to place a stent in another area, and now he's feeling greatly improved--although he still has to be careful not to overdo. It's a reminder to us all that life can be so precarious.

Birthday presents from Sarah, Jacob, and Mark

I don't for the life of me know how I overlooked taking a single picture during my party. Too busy preparing food and visiting, I suppose. I had made myself a sugar-free cheesecake and topped it with raspberries and sugar-free chocolate chips. We also made a delicious batch of sugar-free homemade strawberry ice cream. 

Between dinner and dessert, we stopped to open presents. Every year, I think the kids have topped it all, it can never get any better, and every year they blow me away with their choices! (I remembered to take pictures of the presents, at least. But later...much later.)

Sarah gave me a new Willow Tree figurine called Quiet Wonder. Over more than a decade, Sarah has given me thirty beautiful Willow Tree figures, and it's getting difficult to find new ones to fit the person she feels I am. When she mentioned the problem to the man at the store, he said, "Wait! I have something brand new, we just got it in!" And there it was!

I don't know where Jacob got the idea for the metallic rose, but it totally dazzles my eyes! No matter which way you turn it, it captures the light and reflects clear, prismatic colors every direction. It reminds all of us of the rose featured in the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast.

My gift from Dylan and Jake: Three candles by Mythologie Candles.

Dylan and Jake had ordered my gift earlier, but they didn't receive it until a week after the party. It was totally worth the wait! Made of coconut-soy oil and hand-prepared, the guys chose three Hobbit/Lord of the Rings-inspired candles for me. "Bree's Spice Market" (Bree being a village east of The Shire, where Men and Hobbits live side by side) is, as one would expect, spicily sweet. "Double Breakfast" is a take on the food-loving Hobbits' customary practice of both first breakfast and second breakfast. Sarah and Mark say it smells like pancakes and syrup. To me, it smells like oatmeal with maple syrup. I love them all, but my favorite is called "King of the Wood Elves." I told Sarah, "If Legolas smells like that, I'd grab him with both fists by the front of his tunic, put my face right into the crook of his neck, and inhale deeply!" (And then kiss him passionately, of course...)

Mark ordered the Tac-Visor for me. I'm not sure how it works, since he hasn't installed it yet. I hope it does what it says. My eyes have always been sensitive to bright sunlight, although I do love the sun.

Sisters-in-law Tamera and Mary having dinner at Denny's.

On Saturday, the day after the party, my sister Karla and her youngest daughter Addison (the last of Karla's ten children still at home) came up from Mesa to join us. They stayed at my house, but divided their time between my place and visiting our dad (who lives two miles away). On Saturday night we all got together to visit some more and then decided to go out to dinner at Denny's.

Three of the five Butler "kids": Mary, Darryl, and Karla.

September 5, 2020

It doesn't matter where we are, but being with our brother Darryl is always a raucous affair. To say he has an "irreverent" sense of humor is an understatement. He always has some wisecrack to make in every situation, and no one laughs harder at his jokes than he does himself! Darryl has one of those deep belly laughs that's so infectious, you can't help but join in. I'm sure by the time we left the restaurant, two hours later, the staff and other diners were glad to see us go!

Mary is eldest, Darryl is the baby, and Karla is the middle child.

It's been two years since all five of us Butler siblings were last together in the same place at the same time. Before that, it had been many, many years longer. As we get older, it only seems harder to make that happen. It's somewhat strange to realize that we're not the youngsters we used to be, and seeing each other as senior citizens or nearly-senior citizens requires a major shift in perspective. I (the firstborn) am sixty-six; LeRoy is sixty-one; Karla is sixty; Jeff is fifty-eight (a month away from fifty-nine!), and Darryl is fifty-seven. We just wish our 'tween siblings, numbers two and four, had been able to join us. We missed seeing LeRoy and Jeff.

The ladies: Mary, Tamera, and Karla.

After our Denny's dinner, Darryl and Tamera returned to our dad's house, where they were staying. Early the next morning, they were off and on their way back home to Missouri. So sad to have them gone so soon, but they hope to return sometime in the near future, when they can stay longer.

Darryl with my family: Mary, Darryl, Chris and Sarah.

Meanwhile, Karla and Addison came back to my house with us after dinner, and we sat up quite late talking and getting caught up. Long after everyone else had gone home and Addison had fallen asleep on the couch, Karla and I lay awake in my king-size bed and shared a lengthy girl-talk like we hadn't had in many years. It was like reliving the seventeen years we shared a bedroom. Who'd have ever thought that we'd look back fondly on those days? Even when we woke the next morning, we just lay there talking for about two hours more!

September 6, 2020: Sisters Karla and Mary hiking the Mogollon Rim Trail, 

a one-mile trail about two miles from my house.

The next day was Sunday, and Karla, Addison, Sarah, and I went to walk the Mogollon Rim Trail near my house. It was quite warm out (in the eighties), but it's always a beautiful and inspiring hike. That evening we had a final meal together of chef salads, and then Karla and Addison began their drive down the mountain toward home.

Sarah (with Willow), her cousin Addison (my niece),

and Mary, paused at the side of Mogollon Rim Trail.

The following weekend, we had a visit from my nieces Haley and Hayden (two of my brother Jeff's eight daughters--he and Dana also have five sons!). They came over after dinner at their Aunt Jona's nearby house on Sunday evening, and we had a great visit that lasted until 3:00 a.m.! 

There was a specific reason for that, of course. The girls are quite excited about a supernatural thriller I'm writing (60,000+ words so far) called Dark Moon Ascendant. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that the main character's name is Haley, lol.) I agreed to read a few chapters to them and Sarah, who was also there to visit with her cousins, and their enthusiasm was so contagious that I ended up reading the first twenty-eight chapters aloud! They even came back for an extra hour the next morning to hear more before they headed back to the Valley. So nice to have fans before I'm even published!

My nieces Hayden and Haley (my brother Jeff's daughters) came to visit!

September 14, 2020

It was beyond wonderful to see so much family this month, and I hope we'll have many more opportunities to spend time together. I can't think of any better way to celebrate getting older than by spending it with the people we love. September was a very good month!

Handmade with love by my niece Haley!

A Tale of Two Puppies

Jacob's new puppy Cache with his sister, Sarah's new puppy Willow.

Both five months old on September 20, 2020.

I have no grandchildren yet, but I do have an abundance of grand-puppies! While I choose not to have pets at this time in my life--preferring the freedom to come and go as I like without paying for kennels or pet-sitters--I grew up with a variety of pets from early childhood, ranging from cats, dogs, and birds to fish, turtles, hamsters, and hermit crabs. I've always felt that having responsibility for creatures who love and trust them is an important experience for children.

My own children have had pets since we bought our house in 1993. Sarah was three and Jacob had just turned two (Dylan didn't come along until four years later) when we got our first pet, a kitten named Kudu. A few months later, she was joined by a huge five-week-old puppy we named Rambo, who deserves an entire book of his own for the many adventures he introduced into our lives!

They were followed over the years by many, many more cats (up to five at a time) and three more dogs (Cujo, Astro, Diego), as well as rabbits (Likki, Cocoa, Dusty, Rosie), hamsters, guinea pigs, a turtle, and a stint of chinchilla-sitting of the class chinchilla during a school holiday, when Jacob was awarded that honor. We watched the births of kittens multiple times; rescued feral kittens born under our house to a stubborn Manx whose owners we'd bought the house from; won ribbons for showing rabbits in 4-H Club; and sadly established a pet cemetery in our backyard as we mourned the passing of beloved pets through the years.

Oct 16, 2018: Sarah enjoys Jacob's pool with Jacob's dog, Lucky.

(Little Razz is also in the picture, jumping up on Sarah, behind Lucky.)

 Lucky was about four then, so he must be six now.

It's safe to say that my kids' love for animals continues in their hearts today. I actually think Sarah's first complete sentences as a toddler were "Is your dog nice?" and "Can I pet him?" when we'd meet dog-walkers in the park. In nine years of marriage, she and Chris have had three cats and a beloved guinea pig, Frodo, who passed away recently. Soon after their wedding, they adopted our family dog, Diego, after my abusive second husband punched him in the muzzle and slammed his face into a metal door because Diego had scratched the door to be let in during a thunderstorm, which always frightened him. (Diego had been an indoor dog until I married the jerk, who banned him from the house.) Sarah and Chris now have two pooches, Diego and Willow, and a sweetly contrary calico cat named Rosie.

When Jacob married six years ago, they acquired a puppy they named Lucky, who has an interesting look with his heterochromia (one eye is bright blue). After the divorce three years ago, Jacob got to keep Lucky. Then Jacob adopted a one-year-old rescue pup, probably a "chipin" (chihuahua and mini-pinscher mix), whom he named Razzmatazz. About three months ago, Jacob's newest puppy, Cache, made them a trio of pooches.

Meanwhile, Dylan and Jake had decided to remain without pets after the devastating, unexpected loss of their adored cat, Zelda, and their snake. It's heartbreaking to lose pets who've become family, especially when they're so young.

September 7, 2020 : Razz has a new home at age three.

He has the cutest little overbite you'll ever see!

However, with three dogs on Jacob's hands now, Dylan and Jake volunteered to take Razz as their own. He's a tiny little thing, doesn't bark much, and was well-suited for apartment living. More importantly, Dylan and Jake had fallen in love with him during their frequent visits to Jacob's house in Mesa. Jake, who'd never believed he'd want to own a dog, felt a strong connection to this little guy. As you can see in the picture above, he loves his new home and family (although he still goes wild when he sees Jacob, too). Razz has become a favorite subject of Dylan's camera!

June 7, 2020: Willow (in pink) and Cache at a stop in Payson, Arizona, en route to

Willow's new home in Pinetop-Lakeside when they were seven weeks old.

Fast forward to June 7th, three months ago, when Jacob's neighbor in Mesa had a large litter of puppies to give away. One of Jacob's former roommates took one, and Jacob took two: a male for himself and the lone female of the litter to give his sister, Sarah. The next day, he put both seven-week-old pups in his Jeep and drove them three hours to my house, where he surprised the heck out of Sarah with her new fur-baby. Jacob named his cuddly ball of fluff Cache, and Sarah named her fuzzy little ball of energy Willow.

The puppies' father is a German shepherd and the mother (owned by the same family) was also believed to be a shepherd, but apparently she has a few surprises in her. It appears that both puppies, especially Willow, have all the characteristics of a Belgian malinois, a breed that's very similar to German shepherds and also highly prized working dogs for the military and law enforcement. Several people have identified Willow as malinois, including Sarah's vet. (None of us had ever heard of that breed before!)

July 27, 2020: At three months, Willow was growing fast, but still a little gal

compared to her newly adopted big brother, Diego (who has the patience of Job).

Most puppies grow quickly, but Willow seemed to double in size every time I saw her...and I saw her several days each week! Due to living so far away, I only saw Cache a couple of times over the summer, but I became a puppy sitter for Willow on the days that Sarah and Chris both had to work, until she was old enough to be left home alone (just three weeks ago).

Their first experiment in leaving Willow alone when she was about ten weeks old was frightening. When Sarah went home at lunch to check on her, Willow had gotten her head wedged between the house and the gate. A neighbor had to tie a chain to the gatepost and bend it away with his car to free her stubborn little head! Luckily, both the post and the pup were okay after the experience, but that's when I volunteered to puppy-sit temporarily. When Sarah tried leaving her again a few weeks ago, she destroyed a screen on one of the windows, trying to get inside, but she has since adjusted and seems to be taking mummy and daddy's absences in stride.

September 12, 2020: Still a week away from being five months old, 

Willow is 36 pounds and almost as tall as thirteen-year-old Diego.

Cache and Willow are five months old now, and last week they were reunited when Sarah and Chris decided to spend a weekend in Mesa to visit some family and enjoy a swim in Jacob's pool. At first Willow was afraid of her brother, but she soon overcame the fear in favor of scrambling around the house, chasing each other.

September 20, 2020: Cache on the left, Willow on the right with the collar.

They still look very similar. Cache is slightly larger and bulkier. Willow's muzzle is more pointed and her face markings are darker. Their personalities are still polar opposites. Cache is quite mellow and cooperative, whereas Willow is stubborn and has more energy than she knows what to do with. But they're both extremely smart and trainable.

Most of all, they're beautiful and they're loved. They have already become an integral, beloved part of our wider family of fur-babies.

September 20, 2020: Cache in front, Willow in back.

My Techies

August 20, 2020: Dylan breads chicken tenders for family dinner.

When it comes to issues of technology, my boys are my go-to guys. Jacob is helpful with cell phones and other problems, but since he lives three hours away, he can't just jump in the car and run to my aid when I'm frustrated and ready to throw the computer against the wall while sobbing hysterically. Therefore, Dylan and Jake get the honor of receiving those emotional phone calls at any odd hour of the day or night. 

Recently, they did a big job for me, so we decided to combine the tech stuff with a family dinner, and it worked out wonderfully.

Jake tends the tenders in the air fryer.

Dylan had asked for an air fryer for his birthday, almost two months ago, mainly because (he said) you can use it to reheat chicken McNuggets and they're as tasty as fresh-made by Ronald McDonald! Since his birthday, they've experimented with other dishes and really like it. They had offered a few weeks ago to bring over their air fryer and make chicken strips or nuggets for us sometime, and this seemed like the prefect opportunity.

The perfect chicken strips, especially dipped in a bit of ranch dressing!

They did all the work, letting me just relax and visit. They even used ground pork rinds for the breading so I wouldn't have to cheat on my healthy eating. The strips came out beautifully, tender on the inside and crispy on the outside. It was a delicious dinner, with green beans served on the side. 

I might buy an air fryer for myself, if only I had room for one in my little kitchen!

My new gaming computer...although that's not what I bought it for.

The computer I've been using is only three years old, but it recently started doing some glitchy things that spooked me. Plus it seemed to be less and less able to handle multiple functions at the same time, slowing way down despite attempting a variety of fixes. Dylan had been recommending that I get a gaming computer, due to their greater power. (He and Jake are huge gamers.) Still, I kept telling myself, "But it's only three years old!"

However, the last few glitches made me worry for the safety of thousands of photographs stored on my hard drive, and especially for the novel I'm writing. The idea of recreating the 55,000+ words I've written so far is a nightmarish scenario. And, yes, I have my photos and my novel backed up on external drives, but what happens if the computer somehow tweaks something when I'm moving files between the hard drive and external drive? I don't know if that's even possible, but I'm not going to wait to find out!

People who know what they're doing can open it up and add or upgrade components.

So I called Dylan and said, "Okay, let's do this." He recommended a gaming computer that had the features I'd want, and then he ordered it for me. The new computer, a new curved monitor (never had one of those before), and a pair of speakers arrived about a week before our family dinner.

The fun part is how everything lights up colorfully!

Dylan and Jake make a great team. Dylan is the set-up-the-hardware guy and Jake is the set-up-the-software-and-programs guy. After our family dinner, Dylan got to work removing my old computer, reassembling everything on the kitchen table so I could continue to use it until I moved all my files over to the new computer. Then he un-packaged all the new components and got them up and running and arranged nicely in my workspace. I hung around and asked a lot of questions, of course. He patiently explained everything and showed me how things worked.

The student has become the master.

All set up in my office and ready to go to work!

By the time he was finished, it was getting late. Dylan and Jake had a friend from out of town coming to visit, so we had to call it a night. They came back a few days later so Jake could make sure the programs I'd need were in place and everything was set up the way I like it. The timing was perfect. Since I couldn't use the new computer for those few days, I worked like crazy to reorganize my picture files so they'd be all neat and tidy when I transferred them over, a chore I'd been avoiding for years! It was so nice to have every photo in the correct file, at last, when I loaded up my new computer.

This is my view looking into the office from my bed at night.

So now I'm good to go, and I've been using the new computer for about a week. It's so fast, and I can listen to Spotify while working without bogging everything down! Best of all, I can work with peace of mind.

Thanks, guys! You're so good at what you do!

The new keyboard is pretty spectacular, like a glowing rainbow!

Three Weddings and Two Receptions

August 22, 2020: The Carters with the Bride and Groom...

Mark, Sarah, Dylan, Spencer, McKinley, and Mary.

As restrictions gradually ease up over the covid-19/coronavirus madness (in Arizona, at least), three newlywed couples were finally able to gather with friends and family to celebrate their new marriages, and we were thrilled to celebrate with them.

Yesterday was a second reception for Spencer, the son of our friends Joshua and Karen Hall, and his bride McKinley. They were married on July 31 and had their main reception in Utah at that time. McKinley is from Alaska (named after Mt. McKinley!) but her family has many relatives and friends in Utah. This second reception was for their family and friends here in Arizona. 

The tables are all set up just before guests begin to arrive at 6:00.

I had the honor of arriving an hour and a half before the reception began, to help finish up the preparations. Held in the family's lovely forested back yard, there were fifty chairs that needed burgundy tulle ribbons tied on the backs of each, and I tied about thirty of those ribbons. It takes a lot longer than one might imagine!

Beautiful centerpieces with fun photos of the happy couple.

Guests started arriving promptly at six o'clock and found a delicious buffet set out for them. Chicken cordon bleu, baked potatoes with butter and sour cream, garden salad with ranch dressing, buttered rolls, and big fluffy slices of cheesecake with whipped cream were set out for our dining pleasure.

Guests begin gathering to visit with the wedding party in line.

I hear the food was all delicious. Sadly, in my never-ending quest to eat healthy and lose weight, I had to settle for a big plate of salad. Nonetheless, visiting with friends we haven't seen in ages due to five months of "shelter-at-home" nonsense more than made up for my lack of chicken cordon bleu! I was interested to note that there wasn't a single mask in sight, even among the folks my age and those ten, twenty, thirty years older. A few of us even dared to hug in greeting.

If we lived in Los Angeles, our friends would have their water and power cut off as a punishment for hosting this gathering. I've never been so glad to be an Arizonan!

Good friends since childhood, Dylan Carter and Spencer Hall.

It was good to see my son Dylan with his friend Spencer again. During the disastrous three years of my second, abusive marriage, the Halls' home became a safe refuge for Dylan. Karen and Joshua became like his second parents, and Spencer another brother. I'll always be grateful to them for that.

Gifts begin to pile up on the gift table.

Spencer and McKinley perform a sweet dance for their guests.

And that's not all! Exactly one week earlier, on August 15, we attended another reception. This event was actually for a sister and brother who married their sweethearts about six weeks apart, but both couples had to wait to gather for their wedding celebrations.

Another happy Bride and Groom: Monte and Sydney.

Monte is the son of our friends Eugene and Wyndie Prestwich, and his bride Sydney is the daughter of our friends Newell and Becky Belnap, both families being in our church ward. Sydney, in fact, is a former student of mine, who took a few of my classes over the course of her high school career.

Two gorgeous wedding cakes for this reception.

As it turned out, Monte and Sydney got engaged first, and then her brother Spencer (yes, another Spencer) became engaged to Breezy some time after. However, Spencer and Breezy got married first, about six weeks before Monte and Sydney, who were married on May 30.

Monte and Sydney cut their wedding cake first.

Spencer and Breezy will have their main reception in Idaho, where the bride's family is from, in a few weeks. Meanwhile, Monte and Sydney sweetly agreed to have them share their long-awaited reception so that their Arizona friends and relatives could celebrate with both couples (and make it a bit easier on Sydney and Spencer's mom and dad!). The planning of the backyard reception, however, was all according to Sydney's design.

Then Sydney's brother Spencer and his Bride Breezy take their turn.

Sydney, a sweet young lady with a definite will of her own, is passionate about her kindergartners and looks forward to getting back to her classroom. Meanwhile, she thought it would be fun to have her reception refreshments resemble a kindergarten snack break. An adorable idea! Thus, the guests were served little pint cartons of milk and HUGE chunky chocolate chip cookies served in individual plastic bags.

Again, I'm told the cookies were delicious, but I managed to walk away without giving in. Of course, Mark more than made up for it by eating FIVE of them himself. Not even kidding!

A gorgeous photo of Monte and Sydney among their gifts.

The reception was quite well attended, the first such large gathering I'd been to since early March. I observed a few people wearing masks and a few others with masks dangling from their ear, chin, or hand, but the large majority were mask-less and visiting freely. It was a wonderful night.

I look forward to a day when the world resumes its sense of sanity. In the meantime, it's great to know that the love and friendships we feel for each other endure, and that we're always ready to celebrate together in the start of young married lives!

A backyard filled with guests to celebrate two marriages in the family.

Perfect Angel

Sweet baby Aubany Grace .  . . until we meet again.

On Wednesday of this week, Sarah and I traveled to the Valley to attend funeral services for little Aubany Grace, the stillborn daughter of my nephew Justin and his sweet wife Jessica. The loss of any child is one of the greatest tragedies of this life, and Aubany's loss was doubly difficult under the circumstances. Justin and Jessica each brought a child to their marriage, Jessica's daughter Austyn and Justin's son Aiden, and they were ready as a family to welcome a new baby together. After several miscarriages, Aubany was conceived and all seemed to progress well. She was scheduled to be delivered on July 17th.

On July 7, just ten days before the planned due date, Justin was on his way home from a job in Texas and Jessica was at a family birthday party in Arizona when she realized she hadn't felt the baby move for an unusually long time. She went directly to the hospital, where the nurses were unable to find a heartbeat. It was later determined that the umbilical cord had become wrapped around the baby's neck. Justin was still five hours away when he received the news, pushing on through the night to be with his wife. Labor was induced and Aubany was delivered at 10:58 on the morning of July 9th, 6 lbs 5 oz and 19.5 inches long.

I'm so grateful that medical professionals now understand the importance of closure for parents of stillborn children. After Aubany's delivery, the hospital provided a little pink dress and allowed the family time to hold and snuggle her. They took many photographs to capture the short time they had with her as a family.

It wasn't always that way. After I was born, my mom suffered three miscarriages before she finally had a full-term pregnancy four years later. On the morning when she started labor, March 13, 1958, she felt the baby suddenly stop moving as she sat in her doctor's waiting room. Immediately after my brother Gerald was delivered, the nurses whisked him away. My mother never got to see him or hold him. I suppose they thought it was kinder that way. My dad saw him briefly and described him as perfectly formed, with golden hair. They never discovered why he passed away just hours before his birth. I always felt it was a tragedy that my mom never got to cuddle the little son she'd felt moving inside her for all those months.

For my four younger siblings and me growing up, Gerald was a very real presence in our home. He was as much our brother as each of us were siblings to each other. As a family, we spoke of him often. When Mom passed away, we knew she was rejoicing in her reunion with him. We know that when we're all united beyond the veil one day, Gerald will be there to take his place among us. And I know that Aubany will continue to be a part of Justin and Jessica's family in the same way.

Justin wrote this of the time they spent with Aubany: "We love her so much even though we have to say goodbye to her so quickly. She is beautiful and precious. Despite the loss, we have felt peace and happiness to have been blessed to have her in our lives, no matter how short it may have been. The spirit has been in the room with us constantly since her delivery."

Justin and Jessica with tiny Aubany at the viewing.

When we arrived at the memorial park, we were ushered into a small room that was already filled with family, although the facility limited gatherings to fifty people, due to covid-19 mandates. It was a bit surreal, with everyone wearing masks. It wasn't always easy to recognize even nieces and nephews I've known their whole lives.

Little Aubany was cradled in a small bassinet, looking tiny and perfect amidst the lacy frills and pink blankets. Too soon, it was time to place her fragile little body in the small casket in preparation for the graveside service. It was a heartbreaking moment, watching her parents tenderly carry her to her resting place and arrange her carefully inside. Tears rolled down their faces as they steeled themselves for the final goodbye.

The comfort of family in a time of sadness.

Family members comforted each other and said their farewells, some touching Aubany's tiny little fists and cheeks for the last time on this side of the veil. The grief and tears of Aubany's sister, Austyn, were heart wrenching. Her deep love for this little sister she'd waited so long to hold was beautiful to see.

The graveside service for Aubany. The grounds of Gilbert Memorial Park

were wide and beautifully kept. It's a fairly new cemetery.

A friend and family member, Matt Beeler, gave a short, uplifting talk, reminding us of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation that allows us to be reunited as families when we depart this life. My brother Jeff, Justin's father and Aubany's grandfather, dedicated the grave in beautifully touching words.

A tiny casket made with love by family members working together.

After the service, I was amazed to learn from my sister-in-law Dana that the sweet little casket was handmade as a labor of love by several family members. I don't recall all the details, but they purchased the hardwood and hardware, designed and constructed the box and lid, and added small, fine details. Jessica herself applied the gold leafing. Then the entire family wrote little love notes on the wood in the bottom and inside the lid before the padding was added.

Writing messages of love to Aubany.

Even after the service, many of us lingered for about 45 minutes, enjoying the comfort of family and the sharing of feelings to ease our grief. The memorial garden invited everyone to write messages on both sides of a large black stone near the building, which many people did. Such an outpouring of love and emotion!

Justin shields Jessica from the sun while she writes a love note to her baby girl.

Eventually we were driven indoors, though, by the extreme heat. When we went back out to my car, it was registering 114 degrees. (A few hours later it hit 118 before it began to drop again.) From the cemetery, we headed over to Jeff and Dana's church building for a luncheon. We spent more than an hour there, appreciating the air conditioning, good long visits with family, and a lovely lunch of pulled-meat sandwiches, salads, and cookies.

Three of five Butler siblings: Karla, Jeff, and Mary at luncheon after the services.

It's hard to fathom the pain of losing a child. My own experience in loss can't compare to what my nephew and his wife have just suffered through, but it does help me to empathize with the heartrending, bittersweet mixture of grief and joy. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at twelve weeks, after about a week of unexplained bleeding. I remember my overwhelmed emotions when contractions finally pushed the tiny little figure out, and the feeling that I might just die of grief as I held my child in the palm of my hand.  

For three months, I felt that the grief would tear me apart. It reached a point where I started to think about going to sleep and never waking up. When I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed with a bottle of pills in my hand one day, wondering if that would stop the pain, I woke up to what was happening and cried out for help. The answer to that prayer was immediate and dramatic, and I know it saved my life.

A 10-week fetus, still in the amniotic sac. This is what my baby looked like.

The pain remained, but it began to soften and allowed a spark of hope to seep back in. I still cried myself to sleep at night, yet I was able to start working through the grief. I finally realized that the depth of our grief in loss is a tribute to the depth of our love for the one who was lost, even if that loss is only temporary during this time of mortal probation.

During those long, sleepless nights, I began composing a poem in my head about the evolution and purpose of my grief. Eventually, I knew I had to write it down. Many years later, in 2004, it became the only work I've ever had published (so far), in a book of poetry that I'm sure very few people have bought or read. But I was honored that they chose my poem to be on the first page of the collection.

Loss

The wrenching torment has gone.

No more am I swallowed up

In sorrow beyond voice.

The anguish raging past release

Has inscribed a memorial on my soul

And moved on.

It leaves behind an open wound,

A circle of emptiness.

There is no numbness to give comfort.

The edges of the void

Have become tender with sadness,

Soothed only by slow, haunted tears.

A gentle pain,

This soft touch of grief.

Enough to remember loss.

A quiet reminder

Of the child I barely knew.

I'll end with another poem, this one written nearly fifty years before my loss. I came across it by accident one day, about two months after my miscarriage, printed on the back side of a recipe I'd torn out of a magazine long before. I don't even recall if the title is actually "Tribute" or if that's just the name I gave it because the title was missing. 

I remember sobbing for a very long time after I read the poem. It evoked the full depth of grief I'd been suffering, but it also brought home to me how grateful I was to have had that tiny creature, son or daughter, in my life for even the short time I held him in my hand. It's a long poem, but I'll include only the portion that impacted me so strongly.

Tribute

by Elsie Robinson, 1940 

…And we who love must also dare to keep the faith

When those we love are lost,

Lest weaker spirits, watching, should cry out that

Love’s not worth the cost.

And so, my Father, take my grief today as tribute to

The glory you sent away.

I lay my little son within your arms, safe now,

Forever, from the hurt and harm

He would have known, had he lived.

I give him up. I drink the bitter cup reserved for

Those who dare to love and lose.

Forgive our fears!

There is a nobler duty facing us than tears.

It is our proud and shining mission to express

Love’s rare, abiding pride and loveliness.

We, only, who have lost, can know that love is worth

Whatever it may cost.