Perfect Angel

Sweet baby Aubany Grace .  . . until we meet again.

On Wednesday of this week, Sarah and I traveled to the Valley to attend funeral services for little Aubany Grace, the stillborn daughter of my nephew Justin and his sweet wife Jessica. The loss of any child is one of the greatest tragedies of this life, and Aubany's loss was doubly difficult under the circumstances. Justin and Jessica each brought a child to their marriage, Jessica's daughter Austyn and Justin's son Aiden, and they were ready as a family to welcome a new baby together. After several miscarriages, Aubany was conceived and all seemed to progress well. She was scheduled to be delivered on July 17th.

On July 7, just ten days before the planned due date, Justin was on his way home from a job in Texas and Jessica was at a family birthday party in Arizona when she realized she hadn't felt the baby move for an unusually long time. She went directly to the hospital, where the nurses were unable to find a heartbeat. It was later determined that the umbilical cord had become wrapped around the baby's neck. Justin was still five hours away when he received the news, pushing on through the night to be with his wife. Labor was induced and Aubany was delivered at 10:58 on the morning of July 9th, 6 lbs 5 oz and 19.5 inches long.

I'm so grateful that medical professionals now understand the importance of closure for parents of stillborn children. After Aubany's delivery, the hospital provided a little pink dress and allowed the family time to hold and snuggle her. They took many photographs to capture the short time they had with her as a family.

It wasn't always that way. After I was born, my mom suffered three miscarriages before she finally had a full-term pregnancy four years later. On the morning when she started labor, March 13, 1958, she felt the baby suddenly stop moving as she sat in her doctor's waiting room. Immediately after my brother Gerald was delivered, the nurses whisked him away. My mother never got to see him or hold him. I suppose they thought it was kinder that way. My dad saw him briefly and described him as perfectly formed, with golden hair. They never discovered why he passed away just hours before his birth. I always felt it was a tragedy that my mom never got to cuddle the little son she'd felt moving inside her for all those months.

For my four younger siblings and me growing up, Gerald was a very real presence in our home. He was as much our brother as each of us were siblings to each other. As a family, we spoke of him often. When Mom passed away, we knew she was rejoicing in her reunion with him. We know that when we're all united beyond the veil one day, Gerald will be there to take his place among us. And I know that Aubany will continue to be a part of Justin and Jessica's family in the same way.

Justin wrote this of the time they spent with Aubany: "We love her so much even though we have to say goodbye to her so quickly. She is beautiful and precious. Despite the loss, we have felt peace and happiness to have been blessed to have her in our lives, no matter how short it may have been. The spirit has been in the room with us constantly since her delivery."

Justin and Jessica with tiny Aubany at the viewing.

When we arrived at the memorial park, we were ushered into a small room that was already filled with family, although the facility limited gatherings to fifty people, due to covid-19 mandates. It was a bit surreal, with everyone wearing masks. It wasn't always easy to recognize even nieces and nephews I've known their whole lives.

Little Aubany was cradled in a small bassinet, looking tiny and perfect amidst the lacy frills and pink blankets. Too soon, it was time to place her fragile little body in the small casket in preparation for the graveside service. It was a heartbreaking moment, watching her parents tenderly carry her to her resting place and arrange her carefully inside. Tears rolled down their faces as they steeled themselves for the final goodbye.

The comfort of family in a time of sadness.

Family members comforted each other and said their farewells, some touching Aubany's tiny little fists and cheeks for the last time on this side of the veil. The grief and tears of Aubany's sister, Austyn, were heart wrenching. Her deep love for this little sister she'd waited so long to hold was beautiful to see.

The graveside service for Aubany. The grounds of Gilbert Memorial Park

were wide and beautifully kept. It's a fairly new cemetery.

A friend and family member, Matt Beeler, gave a short, uplifting talk, reminding us of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation that allows us to be reunited as families when we depart this life. My brother Jeff, Justin's father and Aubany's grandfather, dedicated the grave in beautifully touching words.

A tiny casket made with love by family members working together.

After the service, I was amazed to learn from my sister-in-law Dana that the sweet little casket was handmade as a labor of love by several family members. I don't recall all the details, but they purchased the hardwood and hardware, designed and constructed the box and lid, and added small, fine details. Jessica herself applied the gold leafing. Then the entire family wrote little love notes on the wood in the bottom and inside the lid before the padding was added.

Writing messages of love to Aubany.

Even after the service, many of us lingered for about 45 minutes, enjoying the comfort of family and the sharing of feelings to ease our grief. The memorial garden invited everyone to write messages on both sides of a large black stone near the building, which many people did. Such an outpouring of love and emotion!

Justin shields Jessica from the sun while she writes a love note to her baby girl.

Eventually we were driven indoors, though, by the extreme heat. When we went back out to my car, it was registering 114 degrees. (A few hours later it hit 118 before it began to drop again.) From the cemetery, we headed over to Jeff and Dana's church building for a luncheon. We spent more than an hour there, appreciating the air conditioning, good long visits with family, and a lovely lunch of pulled-meat sandwiches, salads, and cookies.

Three of five Butler siblings: Karla, Jeff, and Mary at luncheon after the services.

It's hard to fathom the pain of losing a child. My own experience in loss can't compare to what my nephew and his wife have just suffered through, but it does help me to empathize with the heartrending, bittersweet mixture of grief and joy. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at twelve weeks, after about a week of unexplained bleeding. I remember my overwhelmed emotions when contractions finally pushed the tiny little figure out, and the feeling that I might just die of grief as I held my child in the palm of my hand.  

For three months, I felt that the grief would tear me apart. It reached a point where I started to think about going to sleep and never waking up. When I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed with a bottle of pills in my hand one day, wondering if that would stop the pain, I woke up to what was happening and cried out for help. The answer to that prayer was immediate and dramatic, and I know it saved my life.

A 10-week fetus, still in the amniotic sac. This is what my baby looked like.

The pain remained, but it began to soften and allowed a spark of hope to seep back in. I still cried myself to sleep at night, yet I was able to start working through the grief. I finally realized that the depth of our grief in loss is a tribute to the depth of our love for the one who was lost, even if that loss is only temporary during this time of mortal probation.

During those long, sleepless nights, I began composing a poem in my head about the evolution and purpose of my grief. Eventually, I knew I had to write it down. Many years later, in 2004, it became the only work I've ever had published (so far), in a book of poetry that I'm sure very few people have bought or read. But I was honored that they chose my poem to be on the first page of the collection.

Loss

The wrenching torment has gone.

No more am I swallowed up

In sorrow beyond voice.

The anguish raging past release

Has inscribed a memorial on my soul

And moved on.

It leaves behind an open wound,

A circle of emptiness.

There is no numbness to give comfort.

The edges of the void

Have become tender with sadness,

Soothed only by slow, haunted tears.

A gentle pain,

This soft touch of grief.

Enough to remember loss.

A quiet reminder

Of the child I barely knew.

I'll end with another poem, this one written nearly fifty years before my loss. I came across it by accident one day, about two months after my miscarriage, printed on the back side of a recipe I'd torn out of a magazine long before. I don't even recall if the title is actually "Tribute" or if that's just the name I gave it because the title was missing. 

I remember sobbing for a very long time after I read the poem. It evoked the full depth of grief I'd been suffering, but it also brought home to me how grateful I was to have had that tiny creature, son or daughter, in my life for even the short time I held him in my hand. It's a long poem, but I'll include only the portion that impacted me so strongly.

Tribute

by Elsie Robinson, 1940 

…And we who love must also dare to keep the faith

When those we love are lost,

Lest weaker spirits, watching, should cry out that

Love’s not worth the cost.

And so, my Father, take my grief today as tribute to

The glory you sent away.

I lay my little son within your arms, safe now,

Forever, from the hurt and harm

He would have known, had he lived.

I give him up. I drink the bitter cup reserved for

Those who dare to love and lose.

Forgive our fears!

There is a nobler duty facing us than tears.

It is our proud and shining mission to express

Love’s rare, abiding pride and loveliness.

We, only, who have lost, can know that love is worth

Whatever it may cost.

The Birthday Brothers

Jacob and Dylan celebrate their 29th and 23rd birthdays together.

July 5, 2020

As I mention every year around this time, my boys have birthdays just five days apart: Jacob on June 26 and Dylan on July 1. Plus their dad's birthday is June 21, five days before Jacob's. Over the years, we often celebrated both Jacob and Dylan with one party, although I did give them separate parties whenever we could work it out. Now that they're adults and living three hours apart, though, a combined party makes more sense. And I think they like it that way now. 

We had to wait a while to get both boys together this year, due to power-steering pump issues with Jacob's Jeep. We ended up having their party a week ago, last Sunday. However, Mark decided that one thing he wanted to do for his birthday was drive down to Mesa and have lunch at Golden Corral, so we did get to spend Jacob's actual birthday with him while we were there.

June 25, 2020: Ash-covered mountains left behind by the Bush Fire.

Since Mark's days off after his birthday were Thursday and Friday, we drove down the mountain on Thursday morning, the day before Jacob's birthday. We left at 9:45 and arrived at Jacob's place around 12:30. Beeline Highway (Hwy 87), between Payson and Phoenix, had reopened days earlier, after being closed for more than a week because of the Bush Fire. One northbound lane was closed for almost fifteen miles, thanks to damage along the highway in that area, but since that wouldn't affect us on our southbound trip, we decided to drive down through Payson.

Our view of charred mountains from the driver side.

I knew that we'd see remnants of the Bush Fire along the way, but the reality of it was still sobering, seeing how much land was affected. This was the fifth-largest wildfire in Arizona history, apparently started by a vehicle and destroying almost 194,000 acres. It wasn't as shocking visually as the forest fires that have hit too close to home in the last eighteen years, since we weren't seeing entire forests decimated and, let's face it, the desert doesn't have that much greenery to consume. In fact, most of the larger plants and cacti still stood tall, the damage seemingly invisible, including thousands of majestic saguaro. The long miles and miles of blackened earth and gray ash told another story, though.

View from passenger side, after coming off the mountain to the valley floor.

This desolation lasted for nearly forty miles, all along the highway's edge. It was especially disturbing while we were still crossing the mountains and foothills. The black and gray landscape stretched on over ridge upon ridge, as far as the eye could see. There were still hot spots where there were no flames, but tall columns of smoke rose from the hillsides. We passed a turnout filled with firefighters and their equipment, still monitoring the situation. Even after we reached the valley floor, the blackened devastation continued, now reaching over to the east side of the highway, as well. It went on for several miles past the Bush Highway turnoff, which stretches from the northwestern tip of Mesa, along Salt River, and past Saguaro Lake on it's way to join Beeline Highway. This is where the fire began on June 13 and from whence the fire got its name.

Golden Corral Buffet in southern Mesa.

Once we'd arrived safely at Jacob's house, we visited briefly and then headed over to Golden Corral for lunch around 1:00. From there, we went on to Bass Pro Shop, where I'd promised to buy birthday gifts for both Jacob and his dad. While there, I even found a cute red-white-and-blue flag shirt for myself.

An unexpected meeting with an old friend: Jacey and Jacob.

I love wandering around the Bass Pro Shops we come across in different cities and states. There's always a calm feeling there, similar to what I feel when camping and hiking. We had a fun surprise when we ran into a friend from long ago, Jacey Baldonado. When he walked up to me and cried, "Ms. Carter!" I had to make him take his mask off to see who he was!

Jacey's parents, Joey and Julie, were good friends of ours back when Sarah and Jacob and the older Baldonado kids were still preschoolers. Eventually, Jacey became one of my high school students. We spent some time reminiscing about how he used to get in trouble in school, but not so much in my class because I knew his parents too well! When the Baldonados moved away from the mountain a few years later, we lost touch, so it was extra fun seeing Jacey and getting caught up.

Jacob and his three birthday presents from Mom and Dad.

By the time we got back to Jacob's place, he had his gifts from Mark and me. He'd been wanting some camping equipment, so I got him a butane camp stove and a 12-inch Dutch oven.  Mark gave him the little iron contraption that lifts the lid off a Dutch oven when it's too hot to touch.

Mark with his belated gifts from Pro Bass Shop, from Jacob and me.

The googly-eyed donkey card was from Sarah at his earlier party. He loved it.

Mark had gotten his presents from the other kids at his birthday/Fathers Day party on June 21st, but when I couldn't think of a good gift idea, I'd told him he could choose something when we shopped for Jacob in Mesa. Jacob bought his dad the Bigfoot tee-shirt and the Bass Pro Shop cap in the photo above. He also gave him the cool fish card, which I plan to hang on the wall in Mark's bedroom. From me, Mark chose the blue fish swim trunks and the dark red Bass Pro Shop tee-shirt.

June 26, 2020: Inside Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall on Jacob's birthday.

We had dinner at Carl's Jr. on Thursday night. On Friday morning--Jacob's birthday--we had deviled eggs for breakfast before we took off to spend the day browsing and shopping. Our first stop was the Walmart in Scottsdale. I'd left my camera's memory card in my computer at home, so I decided to buy a new one rather than continue using my cell phone for photos. I also bought Dylan's birthday present, to give him when we had our party the following week. And then...well, let's just say I made a major impulse purchase.

The three-story Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall is the largest mall in Arizona.

Almost two million square feet of retail space!

Not too long ago, Dylan and Jake brought over their new virtual reality gaming system, called Oculus Quest. They let me try out episode one of the game Vader Immortal. I was blown away! With the surprisingly comfortable headset on, I entered a whole different, very realistic world. I raved about our Star Wars adventure at The Void in Las Vegas a year and a half ago, but Oculus is a completely new level. The Void does have one advantage, of setting up the environment so you can actually touch the things you think you see, and I do miss that aspect. However, the VR graphics in Oculus Quest were so excellent that I kept wanting to lean my arm on that table, rest my foot on that ledge. It was astounding. And, believe me, when Darth Vader strides across the room to you, you do look up...and up at him!

The guys cautioned me that it was hard to get your hands on the system. They'd waited six months after they ordered theirs, because of pandemic restrictions, before they finally received it. It wasn't even available in stores. I assured them that I was in no hurry. And then, there it was, in a case at Scottsdale Walmart. As we walked by, Jacob noticed it first and couldn't believe his eyes. Dylan still can't believe there was one just sitting there on a shelf. I struggled with the decision...for about two minutes. And now it's mine.

One of the smashed windows in a vandalized mall shop.

When we were done at Walmart, we moved on to Scottsdale Fashion Square Mall. Jacob was the one who suggested it. None of us had ever been there before, and he was curious to see the one and only place in Arizona that had been hit by the rioting and looting spawned by Black Lives Matter and Antifa. Thank goodness we live in a state where such nonsense was immediately put down. SWAT teams responded quickly, sending the rioters running like the destructive cowards they are, and arrests were swiftly made. In other states where law enforcement was told to stand down, the violence went on for weeks.

Most of the stores and shops were open, either because they were missed by the looters or they'd already made repairs. The crowd of marauders wasn't enormous, the mall is incredibly huge, and law enforcement responded promptly, so there's no way the thugs had time to get very far in their criminal efforts. However, there were still several smaller shops boarded up, with smashed windows and shattered glass visible on their floors and display cases. We spoke to some shop owners, who described how they'd removed all their inventory in anticipation of the attacks.

I got these earrings half-off at Hallmark. (Those are Jacob's fingers!)

We arrived right at 11:00, when the mall opened. It was very quiet inside, so it was easy to practice social distancing. There were rarely more than two or three people within view at any time. Mark and I carried bandannas, knowing that Maricopa County had issued a mask mandate. I only put mine on a few times, when I made purchases from the cashiers in Hallmark and Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (dark chocolate almond bark!), but they assured us they didn't care. They only wore masks themselves because their employers required it, but I noticed they slipped them off when no one was close by.

At one point, we passed two police officers in the mall, and Jacob was nervous that someone had turned us in for not wearing masks. I told him we wouldn't get anything more than a warning (this isn't New York), but the officers just smiled at us as we passed and then ignored us. So did a passing security guard.

We checked in at Build-a-Bear to see when their Baby Yoda will be available.

Not until at least August, they said.

After nearly two hours in the mall, we had explored all three levels and visited any shops that piqued our interest. Jacob was disappointed that there was no Spencer's store, but I pointed out that Scottsdale is probably a little too high-class for such an unclassy shop. We were slowing down, getting tired of walking, when we stopped to rest at these massage chairs. For $1.00 each, all three of us got a wonderful three-minute massage, from ankles to scalp. It was hard to get the guys up again afterward!

Mark and Jacob enjoy a soothing massage.

Being June, it was quite hot in the Valley. While we were inside the nicely air-conditioned mall, my car was out in a parking garage. Even there in the shade, this was on my dashboard when we came back out a little before 1:00. The temperature topped out at 113 degrees that day. It was after 8:30 that evening when we left town, and the temp had only dropped to 105 by that time. Three hours later, it was so sweet to pull into my own driveway before midnight, where it was a cool 59 degrees outside.

My dashboard in the mall parking garage. Hot!

On our way back to Jacob's, we stopped for lunch at Chipotle's, and then we spent the rest of the day visiting and taking catnaps. I got caught up with things on my laptop, since I hadn't been online for two days. Jacob showed us his puppy Cache's newest tricks, like "sit" and "shake." Still just a fluffy, clumsy, cuddly pup, Cache's floppy ears were starting to stand up like the adult German shepherd he'll soon enough become, but he still had trouble controlling the one that keeps flopping sideways!

Love Cache's adorably crossed ears! But he'll outgrow it. 

We went to dinner at El Pollo Loco with Jacob before we packed up the car, said our goodbyes, and headed out of town. Being a Friday, all the traffic tends to head north toward the cool country where we live, flatlanders trying to escape the Valley heat. So we decided to forego the route through Payson that would surely be bumper-to-bumper, especially with the one northbound lane being closed for so many miles. Instead, we took the road through Globe-Miami. It was a good decision. All the roadwork had been shut down for the weekend, and I doubt we saw even a dozen other cars on the highway during the entire three-hour trip.

Jacob's roommate's wolf-hybrid, Ghost, keeps watch out the front window.

Originally, we'd planned to have the guys' party on the day after Dylan's birthday, but as I mentioned earlier, we had to delay due to car issues. Instead, Jacob came up late on the 4th of July and we celebrated the next day, a Sunday. Since Mark had to work at 4:00, we got started a little after noon.

July 5, 2020: Dylan with his birthday presents, four days after his birthday.

Everyone pitched in to prepare the dinner Dylan had requested, Caprese Chicken. Once it was in the oven, Dylan was anxious to open gifts. He'd been waiting an extra four days for them! 

Jacob had given him his gift already. Sarah gave him $30 cash hidden in a box of honey buns. Mark gave him a bag filled with Kit Kat bars and a $15 gift card. I gave him an air fryer, which he'd asked for after finding out that it can make even day-old chicken McNuggets taste yummy again!

Jacob tries to hide behind his gifts from Sarah.

Then it was Jacob's turn. Jacob and Dylan had already exchanged gifts a couple of weeks earlier. Sarah gave Jacob $30 cash, too, but hid his in a box of nutty-bar knock-offs. And he'd gotten his presents from Mark and me while we were in Mesa.

Two dishes of my Caprese Hasselback Chicken for dinner.

(I'd already removed mine from the right edge.)

Soon it was time to enjoy dinner. We had the Caprese Chicken with green beans on the side. I only recently learned that this method of slicing partly through and stuffing the slits in meat or potatoes is called "hasselback," from an old Swedish restaurant called Hasselbacken, established in the 1700s. I guess I'll have to rename the dish "Caprese Hasselback Chicken."

I love pics of all my kids together! Hiking Mogollon Rim Trail with pups:

Dylan, Jacob, Jake (with Razz), Sarah, and Chris (with Willow).

After dinner, Mark had to leave for work. Too stuffed for dessert, the kids all decided to take their pups--Sarah and Chris's Willow, and Dylan and Jake's Razz--to hike the Mogollon Rim Trail, just two miles from my house. I stayed home to wash up some dishes, but they sent me some fun photos.

When everyone returned, we enjoyed the ice cream cake Dylan had requested. His favorite is Oreo ice cream cake, but in this time of covid-19 when we're grateful to find toilet paper on the shelves, the ice cream case was pretty bare. I had to settle for a Reese's Peanut Butter ice cream cake, but it was yummy.

As always, these family reunions are much too short for my mother-heart, but I'm grateful for each opportunity to be together. Now we can look forward to coming family celebrations for more birthdays (mine and Sarah's) and the holidays!

Also on the Rim Trail, Sarah took this picture of the guys:

Chris (with Willow), Jake, Dylan, Jacob, and Razz in front.